The Astounding Truth About Harry Potter
by lemony muffins
Summary: Or, Harry Potter and the Bottomless Quandry. What Rowling DIDN'T want you to know, neatly presented in drabble format... Now with Dramoine!
1. HP And The Spectacles Of Discontent

"Potter," sneered Snape, "have you seen my spectacles?"

Harry smirked as he often does. "You're wearing them, Snape. On your face."

Snape's hand flew to his face, praying it wasn't true. Oh, the consequences, the years of regret if it were true. Long, white fingers fell on plastic frame. He winced. "So they are," he said when he could speak again. "Thank you, Potter."

He turned to walk away, feeling the wonder-boy's gimlet gaze boring into the back of his head. He knew then that it would never be the same again, that from this day forward the story of his life would be penned in a new and terrifying ink.

"That's okay... Dad," whispered Harry when he was quite sure Snape was out of earshot.


	2. There's Something About Harry

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, Ron," said Hermoine over cocktails, "but Harry's been making a funny ticking noise."

Ron laughed, an empty hollow laugh that rang around the stone bar/corridor and sent smaller children scattering for cover. "Better go and check it out, then!"

They crept up the stairs of Harry's tower (he'd been giving it after doing rather well at Quidditch) and peeked through the door. What they saw on that fateful day gave them the fright of their lives.

Harry stood at his full length mirror. He raised his hands to his head – and pulled it right off his shoulders! Wires spilled out of his neck.

"Crikey, Harry's a robot!" exclaimed Ron. "Quick, scarper!"

And so they did.


	3. New Beginnings

Some weeks later, Hagrid was ploughing the fields when a shadow passed over him. He looked up, and saw a beautiful dragon!

The sun gleamed off a thousand brilliant scales, projecting dazzling patterns of multi-coloured light that shifted and changed as its great wings beat, synchronised with the very pulse of the universe. The captivated watcher's eyes grew wide as it flew off into the sunset.

"Hello, Hagrid," said Dumbledore, who happened to be passing by.

"Did you see..." said Hagrid.

"The dragon? No," said Dumbledore, "but I sensed it was there somehow. That'll be the old magic, I suppose!"

"I suppose so, sir," said Hagrid sadly.


	4. Revelations

"Really Harry, you must pay attention," said Hermoine. "That's the fourth time this week!"

"What is?" said Ron.

"Oh nothing," said Hermoine, blushing a deep red. Harry didn't blush, of course, because he was a robot and had no blushing parts. All the same, he ticked a little louder.

"I am a robot," said Harry.

"Yeah right, Harry," chimed everyone. "Pull the other one!" Of course, Ron and Hermoine knew the truth.

Meanwhile, in another magic school in the next valley, Mortimer Brokestaff was planning his first autobiography, which he was thinking of calling "Mortimer: The early years." If only he could come up with a good opening paragraph...


	5. Memories

Professor McGonagle was having one of her episodes. "I have to remember," she mumbled, clutching at her knitting and rocking slightly back and forth. "I simply have to remember."

She hadn't been the same since the accident. Most days she just sat there, telling anyone that would listen about the darkness and the spiders, and the other thing, the oh so very important thing that she just couldn't quite remember.

"It was something bad, I'm sure," she said to no-one in particular. "Someone wrote it down, probably."

Outside the window the students were practising their brooming skills, probably in preparation for Quidditch or a magic battle. Peals of childish laughter carried on the breeze, reminding the Professor of an empty swimming pool or a great plane drawn in the sand.


	6. HP And The Selective Memory

"Remember that time I got that Philosopher's stone back for Dumbledore?" asked Harry, quite out of the blue.

"Yes," said everyone, "but please do tell us again!"

"Very well," said Harry. "Gather round, fellow learners of the magic ways, and I'll tell you the story of Harry Potter... and the Philosopher's Stone!"

"Ooh," said someone.

"So anyway, this evil philosopher guy had a stone and he was using it to steal everyone's souls! Luckily, my owl heard everything and alerted me at once, using a language he and I worked out one night. Dumbledore wasn't standing for it, of course, and he sent me off at once. The philosopher lived on a volcanic island, and along the way I had many great adventures, the most noteworthy of which being -" (here he went off on a long list of unlikely-sounding adventures) "so anyway, I got the stone back and Dumbledore gave lots of points to Griffindor. It was pretty great."

"That's not really what happened, Harry," said Hermoine reproachfully.

"EXPERIAMUS!" screeched Harry, waving his wand and turning Hermoine into a frog. Ron quickly picked her up and ran off as the wonder boy unleashed his fury on the slower students.


	7. A Narrow Escape

"I don't really do tea parties," said Snape miserably.

"That's alright," said Dumbledore. "You probably prefer magic parties. But tell me, Snape, do you never pine for the simplicities of human life? To speak on the telephone? To write with a pen?"

"Not really, Dumbledore," said Snape.

"What's troubling you, Snape? What's it all about?" asked Dumbledore, genuine warmth and concern colouring his tones. "Is it the boy Potter?"

The hair on Snape's nape stood on end. _Could he possibly know the truth?_

"I know you had that embarassing spectacles incident. You've been skulking in the shadows ever since."

Snape relaxed. "Oh, that," he said, almost cheerfully. "That was nothing."


	8. The Start Of Ends

Meanwhile, deep in that most Forbidden of Forests, a tree fell and no-one was around to hear it. It still made a sound, though – and that sound was the most beautiful thing that anyone had never heard. A nearby unicorn became enraptured.

There was a whispering in the trees of dark things to come, but the warnings went unheeded.

_Or did they?_

For something did move between the trees, something not entirely human though sharing many of man's characteristics. It was a thinking beast, and right now what it was thinking was this – _Harry Potter, Weasley et al Must Die!!!_


	9. Stole Them All Away

Professor Trelawney had just finished a batch of cakes and had set them out to cool. She marked some homework and looked out of the window at the brilliant blue sky. Then she returned to her cakes.

"Funny," she said, "there's only six. I could have sworn I made eight..."

Around the corner, Crabbe and Goyle sat stuffing their faces with the sticky treats and giggling. Around them the school hustled and bustled, but to the boys all that mattered was that lovely cake and their enjoyment of it.

Suddenly Goyle exclaimed. "Look what I found in my cake, Crabbe! It's only half a crown!"

Goyle had never been happier.


	10. Draco's Lament

Draco sat alone, watching Hermoine. He loved her, and it pained his heart muscles that she could never be his. "Stupid muggle," he muttered, but what he meant was "I love you Hermoine!"

Then she ran over to him, holding two bits of wood. "Hey, Draco," she said cheerfully, "look how neatly I split my chopsticks."

"Wow, cool," said Draco. "Say, if you're not doing anything Friday night, would you..."

But she had bounced off to scold Harry for not paying attention in class. Draco sighed, and watched an ant climb the wall. It reminded him of himself when he was younger. Oh well, there was always next year...


	11. Of Mice And Wizardfolk

Dumbledore was going spare! "Where's that dratted mouse now," he muttered, "I can hear it scritching and scratching away."

Of course he could have used magic to catch it quite easily, but he felt it was cheating and wanted to do it the old fashioned way, actually kill the rodent and dispose of its corpse like normal people did.

Suddenly it appeared and twitched its whiskers at him. He picked up his Big Book of Magic, ready to squash the mouse. Then there eyes met, and he faltered.

"I can't. I simply can't do it!" he cried. "You're such a cute little mouse!"

He gingerly scooped up the timid creature and stroked it gently. It nuzzled at his finger and squeaked prettily.

But of course, it probably wasn't a mouse at all, but a magic person disguising themselves as a mouse! It usually was.


	12. Dobby Does His Bit

"Hello, Master Potter. Would you like a glass of lemonade?" asked Dobby hopefully, holding out a glass.

Harry snorted and shook his head. "No thanks, I'm a robot and we don't drink lemonade and suchlike."

"Oh, Master Potter, you are quite the joker. A robot, indeed!" laughed Dobby. "Well, your Wheezy certainly seems to be enjoying it." He gestured to Ron, who was on his fourth glass and feeling a little tipsy. "Even Mister Snape had a glass!"

Dobby's lemonade stand was a roaring success, and so far had raised twelve Galleons, fifteen sickles and a handful of Knuts, all of which would go to a home for frail and sick house elves.

"Hooray for Dobby!" cried Parvati Patel, and everyone was forced to agree.


	13. Happily Ever After

"I should very much like to get married one day," remarked Hermoine. "I'll wear a lovely white dress, and it will be in a church, only a magic one with a wizard instead of a priest."

"That's nice, Hermoine," said Ron.

"Would _you _like to get married one day, Harry?" asked Hermoine, her eyes large like twin pools of eternal tranquility, in which a thousand fish of hope swam free.

"Whatever," said Harry.

"Let's play wizard Top Trumps," shouted Ron, and the conversation was quickly forgotten.


	14. The Watcher

Dumbledore was having the dream again. He was crouched in a great field, cold and naked and yes, a little scared. The Watcher was close, and he ran, knowing if he turned it would be just behind him, staring at him with those huge blind eyes set below the lightning scar. The field changed around him, became a great city, all crooked spires and towering follys, and above it a great moon that seemed too close, and around it clouds of silver-black (the same shade as his grandfather's cloak) that buzzed and crackled with _pure_ magic, the old kind. The city was filled with shadows that clustered in the streets and skulked in alleys. They were the ghosts of his past, the all but forgotten faces buried deep in that part of his brain that he had long ago closed off. They asked the question that he could not; what happened all those years ago, when the pieces were handed out?

McGonogall remembered, but she never brought it up, and he was afraid to ask.


	15. Hagrid's Song

"I think I'm going to sing!" exclaimed Hagrid happily.

"Please don't," grumbled Snape. But it was too late! Hagrid cleared his throat and puffed out his ginormous chest to sing;

"Have you been over Hogwarts way? / There's wizards and witches just whizzing away / They whizz and they whozz and they all like to sing / Wizarding songs of the place that they're in." And then he shouted, "Hooray for Hogwarts!"

"That was perfectly horrible," moaned Snape, quickly skulking off before the groundskeeper could start again.


	16. Hedgwig Helps Out

Hedgwig flew free, bobbing along on a cool December breeze that ruffling his pristine feathers. Clutched in his beak were a selection of fat, juicy worms. He headed for the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, fluttering up to a high perch where a nest sat atop a sturdy branch.

In the nest, three baby shrews clamoured hungrily for their share of the tasty tubular treats. Hedgwig retained a single worm, which he took over to their mother. The lady-shrew's mate had been killed in the summer when the pair were attacked by a fox. Despite her injuries she had managed to get back to her babies, and Hedgwig had happened upon them soon after. He had brought them food every day since, and now the mother was nearly back to full health. Soon she would be able to go out and hunt for herself.


	17. Draco's Secret

"What's this?" said Hermoine, picking up a little black leather-bound notebook as they headed to the Great Hall for magic lunch.

"Give that back, you filthy little Muggle!" shouted Draco, realising he had dropped it and starting to fight back through the crowd of hungry students.

"What's this?" said Hermoine, and read aloud, "Dracox The Space Wizard versus the Brain People from Pygni P?"

"Stop it!" shouted Draco, who had turned a funny pale colour. "Don't read that!"

"Dracox grunted manlily and swept his dark black hair from his eyes," read Hermoine. "He had totally killed all the Brain People and rescued the beautiful princess Harmony. 'Oh Dracox,' she moaned, 'you are so cool and mysterious.' Then they frenched for ten minutes."

"Wow," said Ron, "that's awful."


	18. Out Of Sorts

The sorting hat sat on a high dusty shelf in Hogwart' store cupboard, feeling thoroughly dejected. It was bang in the middle of the school year, and he'd had no-one to sort for ages. Sure, at the start of term he was big news, everyone needed sorting and he was the hat to do it, but the rest of the time no-one gave a hoot, and for a living, thinking hat, the months of solitude could be tough. Occasionally he'd divide the biros, paperclips, sellotape and magic beans into Hufflepuff (mostly biros), Slytherin (paperclips and sellotape), Griffindor (a bit of everything) and the other one, but it just wasn't the same what with them being inanimate objects and all.

"Hmmm... Hufflepuff!" it said to no-one in particular. Was this madness setting in?

Just then, there was a scritchy scratchy noise and a cute little mouse appeared from nowhere. "Hello, little friend!" said the hat. "You look like someone who needs sorting. Now, let me see..."

But the mouse, which may well have been the same mouse from Dumbledore's office, had already left.

"Aww, man!" said the hat, rueing the day.


	19. Watercolour Memories

"Is that it?" the girl had said, many years ago.

"It is indeed," the man had replied.

"It doesn't _look_ very whompy."

"Well I assure you that it is."

"Prove it then."

"What? How?"

"Go and stand under it, and when it tries to whomp you, just jump out of the way."

"I'm not sure that's --"

"Of course," said the girl, who was extremely beautiful and currently pouting most enticingly, "if you're too scared..."

"Oh no," said the man too hastily, "it isn't that at all."

"So you just can't be bothered, then."

"I-- I--"

Defeated, the young man had walked over to the Whomping Willow, which had promptly whomped him into the next field. Luckily nothing was broken, and when the girl found him (in a ditch, if you must know) they went for tea and cream cakes and had a jolly good laugh about the whole silly affair.


	20. Gringotts Sucks

Deep in the bowels of Gringotts bank, two goblins staggered down a rocky tunnel holding a heavy pot of gold between them.

"I'm sick of all this banking lark," said one. He had a slight lisp.

"Tell me about it," replied the other. "I've got an engineering degree, you know. I could be doing something exciting with my life, rather than carrying bits of gold about."

"Well, why don't you then?" challenged the first.

"You know how it is. There's not many jobs about at the moment, and the pay's alright here. I suppose I've just worked here for so long it feels secure to me."

"Yes," shrugged the lisping goblin, "there is that."


End file.
